Fireplace Glass

Within the last week or so I have run across two people who have damaged their gas fireplace glass in an attempt at cleaning. Fireplace glass is not like your household window, it is typically a high heat ceramic glass, or in some cases, tempered glass. Abrasive cleaners will scratch it, and Windex and other cleaners will not remove the whitish haze that appears. This haze is a mineral deposit left behind after the vapor is removed during gas combustion.

Wood and pellet burning fireplace glass also gets nasty dirty with creosote and must be cleaned, but again Windex won't cut it. Razor blades will eventually get creosote off, but they must be kept very wet while scraping the surface.

Viagra, I mean vinegar, and water is the best home remedy and will help cut the white haze as well as work fairly well on creosote. Of course adding water to the Viagra makes it hard to work with, but it does last a long time, and is ready at a moment's notice. Oven cleaner is also useful, as is salt and baking soda. The latter two might come in handy if you wanted to do some baking in the fireplace later.

Of course, as with all things, commercial cleaners are available. Amazon and Wal-Mart and fireplace stores carry fireplace glass cleaners.

When in Easton...

This article has been changed since initial publication July 17, 2010. Please see the postscript at the bottom.

Jason Dollemore and I have been friends for thirty years, so we can abuse each other pretty easily without any hard feelings. We have this unique ongoing game of one upsmanship. When we go out to eat neither one of us can seem to find our wallets, so we sit there, pushing the check back and forth across the table, sometimes for hours, trying to wait each other out, making the waiter feel really uncomfortable. The hope is the other will finally relent and pay because they need to be somewhere. Thankfully the cheap SOB lives on the other side of the mountains so I don't have to see him very often.

With that back story in mind and his recent job loss he decides to buy Easton. Easton, Washington, that is. The entire friggin' town, minus the saloon! We start out with the 4000 square foot general store. Then add the gas and diesel pumps, the propane sales, the firewood sales, the towing business, a restaurant, a four unit no-tell-motel that sits on top of the store, a huge shop, an impound yard, oh, and a falling-down rental house thrown in for good measure. So who does Jason call for a building inspection? Yeah, me. I figured after talking to him I could knock this thing out in three hours, you know, an afternoon's work and some entertainment wrangling over the bill for dinner that night.

Well I get into it and it turns out he is buying a building that was built by Native Americans about the turn of the century. Turn of the 18th century. The rental house was guarded by an attack dog who answered to "Cujo", and it had so much leaking sewage on the ground I thought I was at Brightwater. This POS rental house had more additions off the back than I have exes. At least three. Maybe four. I lost count in both cases. Six electric panels, several walk in freezers, two death trap furnaces exhausting god knows where, one crappy air conditioner, four or five falling down decks, a men's room, a women's room, an employee restroom, metal roofs with huge chunks just simply missing, and open parapets. Oh this is making me ill just writing about it.

It was hot and I was sweating. After listening to me complain for half an hour, Jason brought me something to drink from the store. A lukewarm Snapple. Diet Snapple! When I got done at close to 9pm he rewarded me a with a Pepsi. At least that one was cold.

The deal was Jason PROMISED he would take me to dinner afterwards to the finest Mexican restaurant in Cle Elum with no haggling over the bill. I told him I was mighty hungry. He told me to order whatever I wanted. I ordered the menu. The entire menu.

So after a lukewarm diet Snapple, a cold Pepsi and Cle Elum's finest Fajitas, he wanted a long formal report with pictures so he could beat up the seller. He had already beat me up, so why not the seller too? After about six hours of writing up the report from hell, I sent it to him. Figured with all that I could have him buy me dinner for life and get free reign of the store.

So two weeks later me and my parents and kids were traveling to Spokane, and naturally we stopped in Easton. I walked in the door and asked if he had any shopping carts cause I was GOING SHOPPING. I guess we were all tired from the drive and not really hungry, because I got a pack of gum and my dad got an ice cream bar. The kids might have gotten a bag of chips. Pretty weak.

Total tally was this huge inspection traded for:

(1) Berry Trident Gum

(1) Small bag of Lay's Potato Chips

(1) Ice Cream Bar

(1) Lukewarm Diet Snapple

(1) Cold Pepsi

(1) Veggie Fajitas

Since I really need to put the screws to Jason, next time you find yourself driving over I-90, go to the south side of the freeway towards town, stop at the general store, pick up whatever you want, and simply say,"put it on Darrell's tab", as you walk out the door.

Postscript: Jason Dollemore tragically and unexpectedly died January 22, 2011, at his home in Easton, mere months after purchasing the store. We are all devastated beyond words at this horrible loss of a universally loved 45 year old man. This blog entry is now my treasured tribute to his life and what he meant to his family and those lucky enough to be his friend. RIP JD: 3/15/1965 to 1/22/2011. He got to me once again, simply by dying. I can just hear his cackle----because I bought last time! He had the ultimate last word. Dying is no excuse you cheap bastard!

What the hell is going on here?

Today was a new experience. The place was in Monroe. This house was the new breed of fixer, the type where a someone buys a totally thrashed repo'ed house and does a bit of work to it and flips it for what seems like a bargain price. One in Tukwila last week was purchased for 84, and they turned it over for 199. This particular house was bought at about 100 and flipped over at 220 after painting and roof and remodeling the inside. Typically these flips are done by non-professionals, and it shows. Just like the flippers in the go-go years, flippers are notorious for poor quality work, general lack of construction knowledge, and, hate to say it, but maybe some cover up here and there too.

It was a rambler. The external perimeter walls inside had horizontal drywall cracks 18 inches up, some more visible than others. I had no idea why these cracks were everywhere, but not on the interior walls. Drywall comes in four foot high sheets, therefore the first break is at four feet. What drywall finisher wants to bend over at 18 inches and finish a joint, then finish another at five and half feet?

Built in 1972 my first thought was maybe it had aluminum wiring and was completely rewired, since the receptacle boxes were all at 19 inches (as typical). Nope. I opened up the old panel and it was all original copper, plus the interior walls were not touched. Then I saw the water heater, down two steps in the garage. The tank was new in 2006, but the tank after only four years was rusting all along the casing seams. After only four years! How is that?

Then it hit us. This house had flooded! I pulled a cover plate on a TV cable on an outside wall and saw new insulation below, and old above. I then pulled a cover plate on an interior wall. No insulation, but full of a black colored mold. The very ethical real estate agent made a beeline for the neighbor's to find out the truth that wasn't being told in the disclosure. Neighbors are always very good at that. My client then turned to me and said, "OK we're done". I never got into the crawlspace for the rest of the story.

The presumption is that the internal walls were not insulated, so after the flood the owner didn't think it was necessary to remove the drywall. Insulation held moisture at the outer walls so they cut in and removed it. The water heater was trashed by the flood of 2006 when it was brand new. Water got into the lining and the tank insulation held the moisture, which rusted it out.

It Was The Tequila Talking

Massachusetts has the toughest law. In that state (please don't ask me to spell that again), real estate agents cannot refer inspectors. Period. Whether real or perceived, the conflict, or potential for conflict of interest is too great, so they outlawed it. Here in our soggy corner, the local multiple listing service has a requirement that agents must disclose the full extent of each relationship with those that they refer to clients. Good idea I guess. I think maybe. Possibly. Sometimes. At least it would make for some interesting reading, wouldn't it?

So yesterday while doing a job I am discussing this with the agent that referred me. When we met at the condo me and the agent hugged, and the client hugged the agent too. No grab-ass, just a meaningful hug. That's just how we roll.

"So Mary," I said in front of the client, her boyfriend, and her two year old kid, "did you disclose the FULL extent of our relationship?" I was smirking (trying not to) and so everyone else started smirking as I was trying to set a tone.

"Purely Professional", was her measured response followed by her trademark cackle.

I paused thoughtfully and came back with, "yeah, except for that one night, many years ago, remember Mary? Lonely, moonless night, the grey Subaru, Renton Avenue....ringing any bells for you?"

Mary is very good, very quick, and I give her credit: "Darrell, that was the tequila talking that night, and in no way reflects on our professional relationship."

Furnace Ed

I was invited years ago to speak in front of a group of furnace techs as part of their continuing education requirement. Me? I'm just a home inspector, what could I possibly teach 50 furnace techs about their own business? I was scared to death, thinking they would rip me apart. Ed Besch invited me to do this, and Ed is no dummy, nor did he want to embarrass me.

He wanted to make a point with these guys and figured I could do it.
Ed is one of the most highly respected heating consultants anywhere (being director of the Oil Heat Institute for years among many other accomplishments), as well as being a genuinely nice guy that I consider a friend. If I had half the furnace and boiler knowledge he has forgotten, I would be happy. In fact I would be happy to somehow cling to one corner of his resume and catch things as they fell off!

Ed wanted me to talk about how furnace techs tend to get myopic. We had had this conversation before, so he knew it was a pet peeve of mine also. Furnace techs unfortunately get caught up in the minutiae of furnaces, overlooking integrity of the heat distribution piping, sealing of the vents to the floor, the cold air return system, combustion air, duct cleanliness, exhaust venting, the tightness of the house, and many other factors that play critical parts in occupant safety and comfort. A house is a system. A holistic system that interfaces with the occupants and the external environment. While it has individual component pieces, it also has the greater whole. A forest for the trees kinda thing.

Here's how it went the first time I became aware of this inherent myopia: Some poor schleb homeowner called a heating contractor to come fix a problem with water running out of his furnace exhaust pipe onto the basement floor. So he did what any good heat tech would do and cut a hole in the bottom of the exhaust and ran a pipe down to a newly installed condensate drain pump. Total damage $250 and change, issue solved. Problem is he neglected to even look up on the roof, so he failed to notice the cap on the furnace's metal flue pipe was missing. Rain was pouring down. A six dollar cap would have solved the problem.

Houses Are Just Like Women

The plumbing tends to go bad after a certain number of years. Leaks and drips inevitably occur.

Whatever your taste you can find one--short, tall, narrow, or wide. Big, small, or in somewhere in between. Well maintained, or in need of remodeling.

The latest way to find one is on the Internet.

Houses and women can both be abandoned and dumped on the open market.

The most attactive models receive multiple offers

They come in all colors of course. And if you don't like the color, that can be pretty easily changed too.

Young ones don't have the cracks, squeaks, or character of the old ones. We tend to appreciate both more as they age.

Each can have great bones.

Flashing is always desirable

Nothing like a set of well built hips.

Belly bands tend to be slimming.

Try to keep away from high maintenance models, they will only cost you money.

Foundation first, then the paint.

Most guys want to park their car in the garage every night. More than one car in a garage at a time can lead to problems though.

The drapes and the carpet should match. Many believe no carpet at all is the healthiest way to live.

They both keep you warm at night.