2014 Hay Holiday Letter of Truth

2014 Hay Holiday Letter of Truth

This is the holiday letter where it’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about the last year.

Drug Dealin’

I had a very large flatbed trailer that I had converted from a travel trailer. The thing was 26 feet long and 8-1/2 feet wide. I never used it. I got really tired of looking at it, too. Seriously, wouldn't you too? It never had a title or license, but that was fine, let ‘em catch me was my philosophy. That made selling it a bit problematic, however. The Craigslist ads were getting no response at $500.

One day a guy texts me out of nowhere and tells me he wants to trade me weed for my trailer, telling me he is a legal grower. I replied “uh, no, thanks, I’d rather have the money, and I sure don’t want to have more than an ounce hanging around,” (the legal limit). So the trailer still doesn't sell.

A week later he texts back and offers me two ounces plus $300. I call my tenant Gayla in the basement and see if she wants it, or can sell it. She says sure, she can sell it, can get the cash, and meet the guy. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this---just show me the money and get the trailer the hell out of the yard. At the appointed time, the guy shows up, but mistakenly only brings $200 cash. To make up for it, he gives Gayla four ounces. Gayla immediately sells part of it, making a killing, apparently, and keeps a lot of the cash to herself for the trouble. I arrive home and there’s a wad of cash and a HUGE Ziploc of weed on my counter. So now it looks like I’m a drug dealer. 

Naturally the next step is to employ my kids.

Before you get your panties all in a twist, the kids are all adults! But the point of it is that I am now the head of a family run drug cartel and feeling like a total pimp. Obviously I need a pit bull.

The kids take my stash and sell it to several friends, being somewhat nonchalant about actually collecting payment. Kelsey has a pit bull named Shark—come on, stay with the story people, this is the letter of truth, I don’t make this shit up—and because I am now a drug kingpin, I send threatening texts to the customers threatening to fuck them up and send the pit bull after them.

Everyone laughed. Maybe because they know Shark is a cute puppy and maybe cause they don't believe I'm head of a cartel. In any event not even one person thought I was a badass. And the dog mostly just licks people’s hands. So my drug dealing days are over now. The crux of the story is that I sold my ILLEGAL trailer for LEGAL drugs, and got to talk all gangster and make threats and shit.

Totally worth it.
Then I started thinking about this trailer and they grower guy who bought it.....the amount of product you could haul on a 26 x 8.5 foot dual axle trailer is truly staggering. A month or so after the trailer incident I did an inspection for a guy buying a huge property in Arlington with at least two massive pole building shops, truly one of the largest I had ever seen, and 400 amps of power. He wasn't a welder, didn't drive an electric car, and didn't own a kiln. Welcome to the new economy.

Kelsey's pit bull "Shark" attacking a drug customer. Or maybe getting her tummy rubbed.

Not Texting and Driving
I text while driving. All the time. Prolifically. Without fail. Every single time. For years and years and years. The nanny state says texting and driving is dangerous. True. For people that CAN'T DRIVE! I haven’t been in a serious accident in 35 years. Then one afternoon in March while NOT texting, NOT talking on the phone, and NOT eating a sandwich, I caused a four car pileup on I-90 in Bellevue. I was number three of four cars in a chain reaction. Trashed my beloved truck. Texting saves lives. Pass it on.

The North Koreans Were Right

Seth Rogen you are such a douche. I want my six bucks and two hours back. I thought I was doing the patriotic thing and renting "The Interview" on YouTube. Just another sucker. I'm gonna send Shark after him if he puts out another movie that bad. Seth, weren't you embarrassed?

Mexico With The Exico
So Lisa and I fought for four years until the divorce was final. There was nothing left for her to take anyway, so what's to fight about? In any event, she has a time share in Mexico and couldn't get anyone to go with her. I begged my boss, who is kind of an ass about these things, but he finally agreed to let me go. Lisa made it extra clear that this was going to be two separate rooms and no funny business was going to go on. And I believed her. Because I was previously married to her.

Many other people who were never married to her assumed that despite her words, there were ulterior motives. So naive! I started taking $20 bets. Gayla (mentioned above) wanted in on the action and god knows bitch has the cash. Dale my helper on apartment maintenance and management wanted a piece of that $20 action also. I was either going to get very rich on this trip or get the most expensive piece ever. I won the bets of course. Full disclosure: I did hug her after she barfed on the boat to Cozumel.

Apartments
Boring. No forceful evictions, no hookers, just the typical Everett White Trash drama. Thanks to 20% rent increases that FINALLY arrived this year I'm actually making beau coup cash. Way more than my drug dealing. Everett Fire Department is doing their best lately to fix that since they are forcing me on the big building to upgrade the alarm system, adding firewalls, self closing doors, etc. Who knew the FD could force a property owner to upgrade an existing building? I didn't. Its almost enough to make me want to vote Republican,.....nah!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!