Hay Holiday Letter of Truth 2018

Hay Holiday Letter of Truth 2018

This is the Christmas letter where it’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, with no Christmas-time sugar coating.

Getting Their Marriage On:

So I had two daughters get married in 2018. Their weddings could not have been more different. Devon had been planning her marriage, since, umm, I think right after she was born. She (and Rafi) had every nuance, every contingency taken care of, and even ordered good weather. Her invitations cost more than Kelsey’s entire wedding, and certainly took more planning. Kelsey married Sean because he works at Costco. Well, more accurately because he has health insurance at Costco. They have been together for at least five years that I know of and get along great. Getting married for health insurance, hey, who am I to judge?  

They live in the Missoula area and we all (immediate family) trudged over there with about five days’ notice. It was February in Montana and as expected there were several inches of snow on the ground. We showed up at the courthouse at noon. We arrived and determined that they required an appointment to get a marriage license. The clerk took pity and made it happen since about 20 of us were standing in their courthouse hallway with flowers on lapels. The day before several of the women went and got her a dress, so we were ready to go. The rings we got off a milk bottle if I remember correctly. I think Sean may have actually worn some clean pants. I know I did. We realized as we were standing there in the hallway that we didn’t have a venue for the ceremony, or even an officiant. Rafi whipped out his phone and determined that in Montana you can become a wedding officiant by filling out a form online. So he did. Then he found wedding vows online and pasted them into his phone. Montana’s newest wedding officiant then was all set. One of the kids on Sean’s side found some wedding music on her phone and we were so good to go. 

As we all walked out of the courthouse with a fresh license Kelsey wondered where we could go to do this. Turns out Ravalli County Courthouse has a little pagoda on the side of the building. That will work. Everyone got inside, the iPhone music was cued up and I walked her through the snow, over a curb, and up the steps to the pagoda (with her dressy shoes---not sensible attire in Montana in February!!). We then all went to Sean’s favorite burger place down the street. And DONE. It was super sweet and just a ton of fun. 

Check out my son in law Rafi ,the officiant reading vows off his phone. Too funny! That would be Sean, kissing Kelsey

Rafi and Devon Wedding

Labor Day Weekend weather beautiful, views of mountains, and a beach on Hood Canal. All went swimmingly. When things go perfectly it is really boring. The best part was the Indian tradition known as Baraat. In this tradition Rafi and his family had to pay my family to get down the aisle. Blade my son started the bidding at $50,000. Seriously how cool is that to be able to sell your sister? I never got to do anything that fun; I only got to physically and mentally abuse my sister. They didn’t have that kind of cash (WTF!), so we were going to shut down the wedding and send everyone home. Blade is a very good negotiator, because after all was said and done the entire group was shaken down for $117.32. The money was all given out to the little cousins and grandkids the next day. They were over the moon seeing that much cash.

After the ceremony and party we had to be out of the park by 10pm. There was no time to do the dirty dishes for 200 or whatever people and the rented dishes were expected to be brought back dirty (renting dishes and bringing them back dirty---God Bless America). The only place large enough to put that many dishes was in my trailer overnight. The next morning I opened it up and it smelled like a curry bomb had gone off. And people think my gas is bad!

The Countdown Begins

So I read in the “The Atlantic” last week that millennials the world over are suffering from a Sex Recession. Umm, hello? Can you damned millennials do ANYTHING right? Good lord people. You need to be able to talk on the phone and you need to be able to do the dirty deed. I’m not getting FREAKIN’ GRANDKIDS til you get busy! So apparently the girls are having a pregnancy race. I don’t think they really are, they just are saying that to appease me. Buncha Bullshit. Stay tuned as news comes from Celibacy Corner.

Not Good Enough (Personal Failings)

Speaking of celibacy, I’m sure you all are wondering; only ONE girlfriend broke up with me this year. Three separate times, but it was only one woman. Got that out of the way. Still kinda fresh, I’ll bash her next year.

I had four transmissions in one truck within a period of two months, three of those failures the fault of the shop, and like a fool I went out and bought a brand new truck after number four. This was all mixed up in the previously mentioned breakup, and did I mention new trucks are SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS?  So of course after the first payment was made that old truck has been flawless and I prefer it over the new one. An once again I find myself with three vehicles like a damned idiot.

I bought another apartment building. This one in Aberdeen. An 11 unit out of bankruptcy. Absolutely stole it. It’s such a steaming pile of shit with such amazing cash flow. It’s super ugly, and it is hard to look at. I wear blinders because it is all about the cash flow. We are thinking maybe just collecting rent until it literally falls down and then burn it for insurance (that was a JOKE State Farm). The net rents after management will pay for the entire building within five and half years. The manager is great (I love you JoLynn) I was initially thinking foundation repair and siding replacement for long term, but this is Aberdeen....

Homeless dude in the alley #aberdeen

After 11,000 home inspections I had had enough. I retired and took my trailer to Arizona. Four days in I had hiked, flew gliders and gotten some sun. But oh my god it was so  G_O_D_D_A_M_N_E_D boring. I still had ASHI boards that I belonged to and went back working like one day a week and of course the apartments to keep me busy. But no, I had to blow up the Peacefulness, Proximity and Prosperity and decided to go to work flying airplanes again, as a Pauper. Jets this time. I start next week in Phoenix. Gonna live in my trailer for now. Will fly for food. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I am the boss. And suddenly I won’t be. It will be an adjustment. Then there’s the 25 years of new technology and FAA rule changes I need to catch up on. Hopefully the old dog can learn new tricks.

Infections

So my mom was going to have a knee replacement done this fall. The surgeon says you need to have that infection in your mouth looked at before I operate. Mom says I don’t have an infection in my mouth. She goes to the dentist and he says you have an infection in your mouth you need to go see a periodontist. Periodontist does a biopsy and does a CAT scan and a credit card scan. Hmm, I don’t see it. That will be $1000 and you need to go see an endontist.  Endontist opens her gums up and says, oh wow, there’s absolutely no infection, that will be $2000 and a recovery time of several weeks. Be careful with that open wound in your mouth, you don’t want to get an infection!! He didn’t really say that. I did. Knee surgery put off while she recuperates from gum surgery. Last time mom spoke through swollen infected bloody gums she expressed interest in marrying Sean’s Costco health insurance.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!!